Real Life

Bloke With Beer Bottle Stuck Up Ass Changes Facebook Relationship Status To “It’s Complicated”

A bloke who was this morning admitted to hospital with a beer bottle lodged in his ass has reportedly changed his Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated”.

Mark Appleby, a thirty-year-old barista, told doctors he slipped after of a shower and landed awkwardly on the bottle.

“This guy is seriously unlucky,” Doctor Ian Jones told us. “This is the fourth time we’ve had him in A&E after a post-shower slip in the last twelve months. So far, he’s landed awkwardly on a Barbie doll, an aerosol deodorant, a butternut squash and now a beer bottle. Thankfully for him, we don’t judge people on their stupidity and pretend to believe him every time.”

Wunderground also spoke to Appleby earlier, “I was getting out of the shower, slipped and ended up with a damn beer bottle up my ass,” he explained. “I tried my best to fish it out with my hand but I just couldn’t get a grip on it, I had an extra soapy shower so everything was full of suds and slippery as hell.”

“The doctors in here are great at getting stuff out of people,” he told us while lying face down on a hospital bed. “It’s comforting to know that I can shower and know that if I slip, whatever I land on they’ll be able to get it out without too much hassle. The only bad thing is the waiting around to be seen.”

“Luckily, I’ve got an all you can eat data plan on my phone bill,” he continued. “I’ve been on Facebook all day, I’ve even changed my relationship status to ‘it’s complicated’ to reflect my current situation, you never know when you might meet ‘the one’ so I like to keep my status current, just in case.”

In related news, David Guetta has contacted the hospital to ask if they could assist him producing music as he already pulls the majority of his productions straight out of his ass.

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