“I’m Never Going To Give You Up” Rick Astley Tells Cocaine

Eighties pop sensation Rick Astley has reportedly pledged his future to cocaine after telling the drug that he would never give it up.

Astley, known for his dedication and faithfulness, was overheard “whispering sweet nothings” to a bag of coke in a toilet during the interval of one of his sold out “50 UK Tour” shows.

Peter Wyse, who was using the cubicle next to Astley, spoke to Wunderground, “I was just in draining the dragon and doing a sneaky bump when I heard a lot of chatter coming from the bog next to me,” he told us. “Being the nosey cunt that I am, I delayed flushing for a couple of minutes so I could have a good listen to what was going on.”

“It was pretty obvious it was just a guy in there talking to his bag so I thought nothing of it. I mean, what bloke hasn’t had a conversation with a bag of coke in a public toilet?” continued Wyse. “But then he started singing ‘I’m never going to give you up’ to it, you could tell straight away it was Rick Astley, I’d recognise that voice a mile away.”

“He was really getting into it too, I think he sang the whole song, three times,” revealed Wyse, founding member of Up The RA, a Rick Astley fan club based in Northern Ireland. “It was broken up by him stopping to have a sniff about once every thirty seconds but it was still absolutely brilliant, it was like having my very own little Rick Astley concert, I was imagining that I was the bag of coke and he was actually singing to me.”

Wunderground also spoke to Martina Astley, Rick’s estranged wife, “He really loves that shit,” she claimed. “He used to sing that song to me, then, during a tour of Colombia in 1991 he met cocaine and they fell in love. Six months later he left me and he’s been singing it about it ever since. I used to hate him for it but I got pretty decent divorce settlement out of him and had a fling with cocaine’s cousin, crack.”

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