Amid concerns of a re-brand gone awry, the Queen, gentle but firm unelected ruler of the English, unveiled today that the National Anthem is in need of a reboot and has turned to her closest ally, Bob Geldof, to write and take control of the whole project without consulting anyone.
It leaves the British public at the mercy of the man who has a vendetta against not cursing on telly, smiling and days of the week.
People are understandably very concerned with the nation’s national anthem being left under the control of one individual, not properly English and with a proven track record of creating seizure enduring social commentaries in the form of music.
There were dozens of other choices the Queen could have made, as England is known to be one of the most talented countries clocking up to about 49 musically talented individuals compared to Germany’s measly 3. Scarily Bob does not appear anywhere on this list.
Geldof spoke out, “I don’t care what the pricks think of me, I changed the world 3 times with one song, I am basically the greatest, I’m the poet laureate of sound, so what if I’m drunk, do you want a drink? I could release anything though, claim it’s about Africa and make millions, so don’t fuck with me”.
Since news of Bob’s being chosen the Boom Town Rat has been hiding in his armoured fortress, paid for with the tears of orphans, to gather ideas and wait until the press dies down a little and dealing with a multitude of washed up celebrities who have been travelling there in the hope to get their second, or, in some cases, third big break.
U2 frontman and ball-bag, Bono, has been there for days circling the premises shoeless and intermittently shouting, ‘You owe me Geldof, you rodent feck!”
After a sunglasses related fall, Bono, reportedly had to be fished out of Geldof’s moat by George Michael, who was forcibly trying to perform the kiss of life on the U2 front man who was only rescued because The Edge was there to beat him off.
Elton John is expected to arrive a little later, he released a statement, “You stitched me up Liz you Aristotwat! You pulled the wig over my eyes, we had an agreement, it was supposed to be me, it was my anthem!”
Elton John was reportedly the most likely candidate to performing the song, but Prince Charles feared he might not be the best candidate, a response which cultural commentator, Wayne Rooney, speculated was due to Elton’s historical song choices – namely the ones about the prince’s ex-wife dying and that.
Wunderground went out onto the streets to see what people thought, “Without Geldof there would be no Africa today, he is an inspiration to all of us, I have a picture of him hanging on my wall, I stare at it for hours, he’s good, he’s very very good.” said one old man.
“Mondays used to be good before he got his grubby mits on it, he told people not to like it and ruined a completely normal day. Mondays were the old Friday nights,” explains Jobseeker Karen.
Geldof is expected to unveil the new album as soon as Midge Ure “gets off his hole” and writes the thing, which is expected to happen as soon as Bob finishes scraping the bottom of the barrel of current X-Factor rejects to sing on it.
