A recent Boiler Room filmed in the infamous Chalum’s Cantina in Mos Eisley on the planet of Tatooine, known across the galaxy as a wretched hive of industrial techno, was brought to an abrupt end when a fight broke out resulting in an alien-human-hybrid smuggler losing an arm.
The unnamed criminal, who lost the arm in the attack and was known to Imperial troopers having received the death penalty in twelve systems, is believed to have accosted a young Tatooinian farmboy before an old man, suspected to be of the ancient and banished order of Jedi Knights, brandished a light-saber and cut the man’s arm off.
A witness claimed that the band played the same song continuously, unaware of the attack and that it was only when Imperial troopers arrived to investigate that the event was cut short.
Imperial troops, who were in the area conducting a failed search for some missing droids, were quick on the scene, but no suspects were apprehended. The incident with the missing droids appears to be unrelated with an Imperial trooper telling Wunderground, “These aren’t the droids we’re looking for. Move along”.
This incident is the latest to occur in the popular Boiler Room series as in a recent Glasgow episode of the show audience members were seen “to actually look like they were having a good time” with some going so far as to get their “tops off”.
A spokesperson for Boiler Room praised the enthusiasm of the Glasgow crowd, but slammed the events in Tatooine and called on Imperial forces to heighten security. “We at Boiler Room have no problem with people getting their tops off at our events,” he explained before saying that they draw the line at people being attacked and losing arms, even in a wretched hive of scum and villainy like the pirate space port.
The event, which featured Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes as the opening act, during whose set the incident occured, was the first in a planned series of galactic Boiler Room events in locations such as Coruscant and Alderaan. A scheduled set by Ben Klock was cancelled after the assault, but according to the Chalum’s Cantina Facebook the famed super starsystem DJ will make an appearance in the coming weeks.
“It all kicked off at the bar,” explained one witness. “I was just dancing to the jazz styling of the band, bumping on some Dagobahan speed, it’s the same stuff pod racers use, when suddenly this old dude is flashing around a lightsaber. He didn’t look like much, but he took that guy’s arm off with ease. He was obviously more powerful than I possibly imagined.”
Another witness, who says he likes the Cantina because it’s the only bar in Mos Eisley that doesn’t serve droids, claimed that this sort of thing happens all the time in the popular nightspot, and that he was surprised how things turned out having initially thought the old man would be the one killed, claiming “ancient religions and hokey weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side”.
Investigating Imperial troops claimed that they are looking for an “old man, possibly a Jedi and wearing a hood, who is armed with a blue lightsaber” who may still be in the company of “a naive yet enthusiastic looking farmboy who may be identified by his ham acting” before urging that any Boiler Room attendees with information report to the nearest Imperial base.
A second incident, involving the blasting of a criminal known locally as Greedo, is also being investigated.
