In a shocking revelation that could end his flourishing career, it was revealed today by label bosses that Bonobo has been caught listening to Christina Aguilera prior to one of the live shows for his new album, “The Northern Borders”. Despite protests from the artist, his record label is treating it as gross misconduct.
The label was reported to have said that they would have offered him some leniency, however, upon discovering that it was the song “I Am Beautiful”, the full depth of the scandal was revealed. His record label has concluded that the song is “beyond offensive” and as such are treating it as a serious incident.
In a statement released by the label today, they stated, “Unfortunately, Bonobo has committed one of the worst offences we can imagine. Not only did he listen to X-tina (which actually should be ‘X-ina’), but he listened to one of her most horrendously self indulgent pieces.
However, it was not the self indulgent nature of the piece that we took most offense to, but rather the utter blandness of the track. Ninja Tune have a reputation to maintain and this could have been very destructive for our brand.”
Furthermore they went on to say, “We had hoped that a song like this, which has squatted defiantly on all fours like a rabid animal in the ‘middle-of-the-road’ for over ten years now, would have eventually dematerialised back to Hades, or LA, or whatever horrible place it was conceived. You would think that after that long in the ‘middle-of-the-road’ that somebody would have had the good taste to run the thing over, and put it out of its misery.”
“However, it’s still hanging around like a bad fart in an office. And just when its’ rotation on radio began to lessen, and we at the label could breathe a collective sigh of relief, we discovered that Bonobo had been listening to it backstage before his last gig. Obviously we were concerned for him, so security broke down the door to find him singing into his mirror with a hairbrush in his hand. He has suspended without pay until further investigation sheds some light on the situation.”
Bonobo’s response, which was made through his lawyers, was brief and to the point, saying only,
“Words can’t bring me down. Oh no.”
