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BREAKING: Berghain Contains Secret “Crazier, More Fun, Germans Only” Room

BREAKING: Berghain Contains Secret “Crazier, More Fun, Germans Only” Room

In news that is sure to rock dance music to its very core it has been sensationally revealed that Berlin nightclub Berghain, a hugely popular attraction for clubbing tourists, contains a secret “Germans Only” room in a bid to keep tourists from “diluting the experience of the club”.

A whistleblowing former employee claimed that the room has been constructed in the last year after the popularity of the club skyrocketed and saw a vast influx of uncouth tourists who were “ruining the underground feel of the club” and who it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep out using the famously strict door policy.

“They built the secret floor during an exceptionally busy week last year by using the sounds of the banging industrial techno to drown out the noise made by workmen scurrying in the walls behind and below clubbers,” claimed the source. “Now there’s a secret floor beneath the main room and a series of hidden passageways with fake walls which allow the Germans to see out, but don’t allow the regular clubbers to see in.”

The source claims that after one incident involving “a boorish Englishman vomiting on himself” last year the club decided they’d have enough, but couldn’t financially take the risk of making the entire club Germans Only so “decided on the next best thing”.

“There’s a secret door manned by a disguised security guard somewhere on the main floor,” continued the source. “To gain access to the Germans Only section you have to prove to him that you’re German by repeating a German tongue twister ten times really quickly and unashamedly showing him your genitals.”

“You have to do it without shame,” he added. “The slightest bit of bashfulness and he’ll know instantly that you’re Irish or English and therefore ashamed and uncomfortable about public nakedness.”

Once you’ve gained access to the Germans Only room the source claims the party is “up to ten times better and wilder containing better looking people and free drugs”.

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“There’s also the option of looking out through the fake walls onto the main floor so you can sneer and laugh at the unsophisticated American tourist with his top off looking the worse for wear. It’s a lot of fun.”

So far Berghain have declined to comment on the existence of the secret room but suspicions that it may exist are high after an English punter claimed he accidentally stumbled into a secret room where he was given a massive dose of ketamine – after which he claims to remember nothing except waking up back in Panorama Bar as if he hadn’t moved at all.


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