Brexit has officially been canceled following eighteen month’s of poor ticket sales, with interest in the event seemingly at its lowest since it was announced in June 2016.
A number of key headliners, including Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage, once dubbed the most exciting political B2B since Hitler and Mussolini, had already pulled out of Brexit long before it was decided to cancel the entire event.
One angry British citizen, who claimed he wanted “Britain to be British again” without losing his right to move to Spain and see out his days, while turning himself into something that resembled a giant mahogany slug wrapped in leather, as soon as he is eligible for his pension, claims he will be looking for a full refund on what has been the “least enjoyable event to take place on British soil since the Blitz”.
“The whole thing’s a major fucking shit storm,” he told us aggressively. “It’s like someone with Irritable Bowel Syndrome has eaten some dodgy shellfish and decided to go on a naked hang gliding trip from one end of the country to the other. There’s no way this Brexit thing would have ended in any way other than us looking like an absolute laughing stock. So, I’m glad they’ve canceled it.”
“I mean, if I’d known that the only real headliners for the event would be Theresa May and her oversized limbs, flapping around on stage like Dhalsim out of Street Fighter, and that absolute cretin Jacob Rees-Mogg, who looks like a cross between Walter from The Beano and an Azkaban Dementor, and definitely eats the souls of children, I never would have bought a ticket in the first place. I’ve been sold a fucking three-legged donkey here, and not even a cute one, one that looks like a Milliband with the special awareness on a one-eyed Gordon Brown in a china shop.”
According to reports, plans for a “Europe-wide post-Brexit tour” have also been canceled, with the rest of Europe said to either “not really give a fuck about it” or to be “bored up their tits with it” by now.