Scottish wet paper bag impersonator Calvin Harris has today been shockingly exposed as Take That’s Gary Barlow in disguise.
Barlow, best known for his lack of banter and being the “slightly talented one” from Take That, is believed to have invented the Calvin Harris character in early 2002 in an attempt to break into the dance scene without damaging his squeaky clean boy band image.
The cat was finally let out of the bag at a dinner party last night, where a slightly drunk Barlow momentarily dropped his guard and spoke in his boring Cheshire drawl while in the Harris character.
“It was really weird,” claimed Hostess Betty Smith. “One minute I was chatting away with Calvin, we were having a very interesting conversation about working class people and their weird smells, and then, all of a sudden, he started to speak like a northerner, not your regular factory working type of northern accident, a posh one just like Gary Barlow’s.”
“That’s when the penny dropped,” explained Ms Smith. “I’ve known Gary for years, I’d recognise that voice anywhere, I actually used to listen to audio tapes of Gary reading the works of Charles Dickens to put me to sleep at night so I was sure it was him. I confronted him and he broke down in tear and came clean straight away. I have to admit it was actually funny watching Calvin Harris sobbing with Gary Barlow’s accent, it’s probably the most entertaining thing either of them has ever done.”
“I always thought it was a bit weird that I’d never seen Calvin and Gary in the same room but you just never consider that two of your friends could actually be the same person,” she continued. “When I look back now it was quite obvious. Their music, their lack of personality, their big stupid heads and their ability to make money with very little talent are practically identical. I’m actually quite embarrassed that I never noticed anything before.
So far neither Calvin Harris nor Gary Barlow have commented on the issue, although, Harris’s soon to be ex girlfriend, Taylor Swift, has claimed that she is “disgusted” by the men’s behaviour and sickened to know that she’s been “shagging that icky old man Gary Barlow for the past year”.
