EDM supremo Calvin Harris is set to go under the knife in a bid to finally remove the massive stick from his arse.
The stick, which was placed in the rectal cavity of the money-spinning DJ shortly after the quirky, fun guy persona adopted on his first album failed to generate enough revenue, will take an estimated 6 hours to remove.
“Sometimes, when you’re career is flagging and you’ve appeared on X-Factor balancing a pineapple on your head something has to be done to kill your spirit and transform you into a dour, entitled drab,” explained lead surgeon Harry Walters who has performed this operation on “countless celebs who used to seem funny but turned into mirthless angry caricatures of themselves when they became globally recognised”.
“Celebs like Bob Geldof and Bono have both undergone surgery to place massive, splintery sticks in their bumholes in an effort to kill any semblance of humour they once had, freeing them up to be jaded doom merchants who can spin money out of any old Christmas themed tat,” continued the surgeon. “Calvin will follow in the footsteps of Chris Martin and become only the second person in history to ever have had a stick inserted and then removed.”
“A lot of people don’t know that Chris actually had a stick in his arse – they naturally suspected it was Gwyneth’s branch like hand but no, it was a stick like any other,” he added
The doctor claims that Calvin wanted to have the stick removed after making headlines when he became involved in yet another moany Twitter spat with fellow Scotsman and music producer, Funk D’Void, which saw Calvin refer to the producer as a “miserable auld cunt” after taking umbrage to Funk D’Void’s gentle ribbing.
“It’s a fairly standard procedure for musicians who have been taking themselves too seriously for too long to have their arse stick removed,” concluded Dr. Walters. “Chris Martin had it done recently when he felt he was becoming too po-faced, humorless and annoying.”
“He actually kept the stick afterwards as a present for Gwyneth,” he added, “it’s nestled in her arse now – which is somewhat surprising considering the size of the stick that was already in there.”
Calvin is expected to undergo the surgery later this week after which time he’ll lighten up, appreciate his success and stop being such a zero-craic buzzkiller.
