The BBC has confirmed that Carl Cox is to replace BAFTA award winning comedian, and seriously irritating git, Graham Norton as commentator for next year’s Eurovision Song Contest.
The move comes as senior officials within the BBC, who often refer to Cox as “the most lovable man on earth”, are believed to be spearheading a campaign to make the Eurovision more “underground” and less “shit”.
“Norton is a B*Witched fan, all he ever talks about is their tune from 1998, C’Est La Vie,” confirmed official spokesperson, Bernard Webb. “Anybody with that musical interest should not be talking about music for a living. Most of Europe has agreed that by 2018 all entries need to be electronic tracks and be a minimum of nine minutes long. We expect the all singing, all dancing, fake crying bands, humiliating themselves on stage will be a thing of the past and will be replaced by a bunch of extremely serious wankers in black t-shirts. It’s going to make epic viewing.”
“Whilst Cox will lead the way with the UK commentary, we have been informed Marco Carola will host for Italy, Adam Beyer for Sweden and Marcel Dettman for Germany so things have already progressed further than we expected,” concluded Webb.
Wunderground caught up with Carl Cox regarding his new gig, “It’s true, I’m taking a bit of time away from touring to scout the next generation of European talent,” he told us. “The end game is for the Eurovision Song Contest to be re-titled Eurovision Rave Contest, where each producer will mix their track into the next countries track, creating the most unstructured four hour set you’ll ever hear. We kind of think it’ll be like listening to Ricardo Villalobos when he’s out of his nut, which is always.”
“We also intend to get rid of the current calibre of people who come to the event, so no families or children, in exchange for real music fans, ravers, hedonists, party animals and wreck heads. It’ll be like Boiler Room or Be-At TV, except on the world stage, with millions of viewers voting on which track they like best.”
Disclosure have already been tipped by bookmakers as strong favourites to represent the UK in 2017.