Christian House Music Set For Second Coming

Christian House, or “Church” as it’s known to its exponents, is a form of EDM that “keeps Christ as the focus,” according to founder and purveyor, DJ AD. “It was the band Faithless, ironically, that made the statement that God is a DJ, so we started to wonder… WWJDJ? (What would Jesus DJ?),” he asked. “And not being able to know for sure what Jesus would have done we’ve elected to do the Christian thing, and that is to just guess what we think he would do based on our own predilections, which is gospel-infused, evangelical electro-house.”

Much like Catholicism before it, ‘Church’, has made it its mission to touch young Christians all across the globe. Thousands gather every Sunday to raise the roof of their local place of worship, with churchgoers partaking of wine, and maybe half a communion wafer, just to take the edge off.

One young woman who was interviewed at last Sunday’s gathering said, “Dance has been used for years to praise mysteries of the universe, we’re just continuing the tradition,” she claimed. “According to a little known piece of scripture Christ actually invented the concept of DJing when he mixed water into wine. It’s also pretty obvious that when he headlined the Sermon on the Mount he set the template for all subsequent music events.”

Eager to capitalise on the new trend, Pope Francis, is set the release his first single, apparently a ragga tinged joint called “Who’s the Papa?“. He is set to follow his debut single with an album entitled “Biblioteque“, which will feature such tracks as “Let Me Hear You Say Aww-men” (featuring samples from the Amen break) and “New Age Ceasar” which will see the Pope take his first tentative steps into the world of hip-hop. “I already cruise around in a bulletproof limo, dropping knowledge while dripping in bling which I acquired nefariously,” he explained. “So it was the logical next step.”

With the rise of Christian House, or “Church”, Wundeground has decided to take a look at the other idiosyncratic types of house music currently emerging around the world.

Christian House – Church
Council House – Electronic music made by group decision at a record label
Mad House – Outsider electronic music
Out House – Camp electronic music
Shit House – Awful, awful electronic music
Animal House – Excellent electronic music
Bleak House – Electronic music for Emos
Open House – House music so inoffensive that anyone can enjoy it
Crack House – Electronic music with a groove that makes you want to shake your ass
Loft – High-brow orchestral House music
Duplex – House music that’s at least twice as good as any Skrillex track
Chalet – Minimal French Electro
Igloo – Chilled House
Detached House – Hipster Electro
Semi-Detached House – Electronic music so good it will make your half-erect cock fall off