The induction of Christmas jumpers into the category of “things you can wear in public without being verbally or physically assaulted” has led sociologists to investigate whether the UK’s usually brimming reservoirs of embarrassment have unexpectedly dried up, it has been reported.
The jumpers in question – often depicting reindeer and penguins with friendly, likeable human faces – have traditionally not been considered suitable attire for nights out or trips to the shops by most of the adult population, as they are primarily aimed at pleasing children. Consequently the wearing of Christmas jumpers has previously been confined to demographics immune to embarrassment, such as plump, over-zealous aunts and attention-seeking, sexually-repressed middle managers called “Bev.”
However in the last month, nationwide sightings have been reported of large groups of inordinately well-built males sporting jumpers they would previously have designated as “for queers and nonces,” whilst performing their Friday night routine of drinking Jaeger bombs and chanting when a Kaiser Chiefs song comes on.
Sociologist Ben Hayes said, “typically even children have grown disenchanted with cute Christmas imagery by age 7 and are instead demanding iPhones and Amazon vouchers, having discovered the true capitalist meaning of Christmas.”
“2013 has seen knitwear that previously would have assured you a playground beating become a staple part of normal social interaction, such as at office Christmas parties where the prevalence of novelty jumpers adds another horrifying dimension to arduously conversing with 40 people you’ve already been forced to spend 1,934 hours with this year for a further 2 hours until the free bar runs out.”
Popular fabric offal warehouse Primark has spearheaded the trend by launching its own affordable, extensive range of festive garments, keeping the Christmas spirit alive in its own way by purveying the wares of an unacknowledged, underpaid workforce in Bangladesh. In contrast, Marks & Spencer, has launched a higher-end series of gaudy woollen messes for the more discerning embarrassment, hand-knitted in a cottage by the fireplace by hand-reared 100% British nans.
Bangladeshi labourer Sumi Khalil said, “If better quality of life means the purchase of a pink jumper with Christmas puddings over the breasts, I’d much rather stay here.”
“There’s no Clinton Cards here.”
