Research published this week, from the University of Oxbridge, has finally confirmed what many have speculated for years – that all clean eating lifestyle bloggers are in fact “massive bellends” who haven’t got a fucking clue what they’re saying.
Published in the Journal of Absolute Truth, the paper debunks the claims of various self-professed experts, also providing them with a position on a wank-o-meter for their level of pretentiousness.
“We’re sick of their sanctimonious shit,” said Prof Turnpike, lead author of the study. “They’re mostly just rich kids with stupid websites and cookbooks, using their parents’ money to make the rest of the world feel bad for living a normal life.”
Several claims have now been debunked in the paper. It turns out that it’s not really healthy to go on a banana or potato cleanse: while this probably won’t kill you, it is highly likely to make you the fun sponge at any party you ever attend.
The study also confirmed that raw vegan prune-based “brownies” are “fucking disgusting” and “in no way resemble an actual brownie”. The authors suggest sticking to good old-fashioned chocolate brownies, unless you’re deliberately putting yourself through an intensive course in trying to believe your own bullshit.
Most surprising was the gluten research. The team tricked a group of young lifestyle bloggers into eating gluten simply by adding a ‘gluten free’ sign next to a batch of cookies chock full of gluten. ”Turns out they’ll believe fucking anything they read,” said Prof Turnpike. The team then stalked the bloggers and found, to their amazement, absolutely zero sign of any subsequent health problems.
In spite of the scientific evidence denouncing them as complete muppets, utterly shit celebrity bloggers Deliciously Ella and Freelee the Banana Girl are now staging a “clean eating protest”. Which will see them consume nothing but flecks of dust, cat piss and their own lousy advice for the next month.
“That’s pretty much their normal diet, anyway”, responded Prof Turnpike.