A Samaritan raver, with a jaw locked tighter than a pre-marriage Catholic girl’s chastity belt, was earlier this week awarded an OBE by Her Majesty the Queen for his “unerring dedication to the welfare of the British people in a club environment.”
Paulie “One Shag” Nutworth, a forty seven year old Bernard Matthews worker from Ipswich, was awarded one of the British Empire’s highest accolades after an extraordinary ninety six hour stint in the clubs of Norwich which saw him ask if ravers they were “avin’ a good night yeah?” an estimated seven thousand times.
Wunderground caught up with members of the local rave scene for their take on Mr Nutworth’s commitment to his community and the upcoming award.
“Ah man I’m well made up for Shagz man. Well made up. He must have asked me five, maybe six times if I was avin’ it last night. Which I obviously fucking was,” explained Fazir “Plucky” Barnes whilst subtly attempting to find which part of his anatomy currently smelt like cat piss.
“He asked me the night before at least twice too and the night before that. He also went down Norwich Football Club and checked with every individual fan in the stadium this morning. Proper graft that. Fair play mate. Fair play”
Another unsuspecting member of the local community to be on the receiving end of Mr Nutworth’s goodwill was local landowner Thurston Fitzpatrick III, “At first I was a little disorientated. I couldn’t understand why a man with glazed eyes a jaw undulating like a pair of Japanese tectonic plates was even in a jazz club at 3pm on a Thursday afternoon blowing a whistle and wearing hi-vis,” Mr Fitzpatrick explained.
“But I could see from his intense stare and the way he grabbed my shoulder with more pounds of pressure per square inch than a Thai sex worker’s inner thigh that he was genuinely concerned for my welfare. He really does care about every patron in every club in the local area.“
“You just don’t see enough of that these days.”