The results of a test published this week have found that a vast number of VIP sections in nightclubs throughout the UK contain highly dangerous levels of areshole.
Over the past twelve months, an independent testing body has been tasked with measuring the various toxins found within nightclub environments after alarms were raised by sections of the clubbing community, who suspect certain nightclubs are becoming increasingly infested with “something rotten”.
Aside from the predictable levels of cheap aftershave, spray tan and narcissism, the tests also found an unprecedented amount of arsehole contained within the majority of VIP areas.
Dr. Alan Swabs, who led the testing, expressed his concern over the results: “I began my research expecting to find reasonable amounts of arsehole, but these figures make for frightening reading. What’s especially worrying is that this type of arsehole is highly contagious and is likely to have already spread around many clubs throughout the country.”
“I can’t quite remember what a VIP section looked like back in my clubbing heydey, but it certainly wasn’t infested with white shirted males posing with bottles of grey goose and pouting for photos,” said the 49-year-old father of two. “I just hope my eighteen year old daughter hasn’t come into contact with any of these arseholes since she started going clubbing.”
“There’s just no amount of guidance a father can give to a teenage daughter to prepare her for the levels of arsehole found in most of these clubs,” added Swabs, who warns against anyone approaching these contaminated areas, “and once infected there’s no going back, before you know you’re little princess will be spraying her skin orange, wearing fake Jimmy Choo shoes and asking for a boob job for her twenty first.”
A number of nightclubs across the country have been forced to close due to their levels of contamination, with some even facing full scale decommissioning.
Health experts warn all club goers not to panic, but to simply keep a reasonable distance from segregated VIP areas. In the event that a red rope fails to contain the arsehole within their ivory tower, they advise to “remain vigilant around their haughtiness at all times”.
