A leading renaissance historian has claimed that Michelangelo’s masterpiece sculpture, David, portrays a man who was suffering from the dreaded affliction “Pill Willy”.
Peter Lansbury, curator of London’s Royal History Museum, has ruffled a number of feathers in the historical community by making a number of radical claims about, what many people believe to be, the most significant piece of art on the planet.
“David really is a remarkable piece of art, crafted by the hands of one of the most gifted men ever to grace the Earth,” explained Mr. Lansbury earlier. “It is, without doubt, a true symbol of the renaissance and a constant reminder of the great things that man can achieve but, after conducting some in-house research, it appears that all is not as it seems with David.”
“It is widely believed that David is a representation of the Biblical hero David, King of the Jews and slayer of the giant Goliath,” continued the historian. “However, I have uncovered sufficient evidence to prove, beyond reasonable doubt, that David isn’t the Biblical figure that we all believe him to be and that he is, in fact, Dave, Michaelangelo’s hash dealer from the Pope Damasus II Flat Complex in Florence.”
“According to my research, Michelangelo owed Dave thirty silver Scudo for a ‘bag of lovely hash’ he had received from him in the year 1501, however, when Michelangelo, or Mickey as he would have been known to his friends, didn’t have the money to pay for the hash he agreed to make a sculpture of the drug dealer as payment,” claimed Mr. Lansbury, who also suggested that the Mona Lisa was a form of renaissance porn. “So over the course of the next four years he set about carving the sculpture and repaying his debt.”
According to local tradition, “Dave from the flats” was a well known character in Florence at the turn of the sixteenth century, with many accounts describing his as “a mad bastard” and a “bit of a goer”.
“Records show that Dave had just spent a bit of time in prison at the end of the fifteenth century, which explains the sculpted ‘god like’ physique we see in the statute,” revealed the historian. “It is also a recorded fact that Dave was the first dealer to bring MDMA to Florence, which would suggest that the statue’s tiny penis was a direct result of his drug habits rather than a reference to the ancient Greek ideal of pre-pubescent male nudity as many historians and experts had previously believed.”
Lansbury also claimed that there were many other common misconceptions about renaissance art, including da Vinci’s painting The Last Supper, which he claims was not a depiction of Christ’s final meal with his apostles but just “a few of bros” having the fifteenth century equivalent of a “cheeky Nandos”, and the design of St. Peter’s Basilica, which was originally built to be Rome’s first super club.