Clubber’s Arms Locked In Place After Having Them “Up For Detroit” For 9 Years
Following the release of Fedde Le Grande’s Hands Up For Detroit in 2006 doctors have claimed that a clubber’s arms have seized in place after keeping them raised for that extended period of time.
Old school clubber, David Atkinson, 34, who routinely makes the assertion that the dance music scene used to be better in his day, made the frank admission that he loves Detroit and for that reason has been unable to take his hands down since hearing the track.
“As soon as the song told me to put my hands up,” explained David, while changing a lightbulb, one of the few jobs he can still do with ease. “I put them up and I’ve not looked back since.”
“Sometimes its difficult trying to do everyday things,” explained David, as his Mum placed the straw of a Capri Sun in his mouth and stood holding the fruity treat until David’s thirst was slaked. “The other day I was riding my bike and I got a flat tyre, so I had to ask a member of the public to tie the bike to my leg with a piece of string that I had in my pocket, so I could drag the bike home.”
“Back in my clubbing days, I was known, quite originally, as Dave the Rave,” continued Dave who said that the only time he almost dropped his hands for Detroit was when he had some strong ketamine.
“One night I was on the dance floor, hands in the air, the usual and this lad asked me if I wanted to buy any ket,” reminisced Dave. “I obviously told him that he’s got to give me a taste before I buy the thing. So he gives me a shovelly bump of shardy ket and it was that strong that I suddenly felt my arms falling down, so quick as a flash I got my good mate Barry to grab the bag of flake from my pocket and sort me out a stonker.”
“Thankfully, once the white hit me I managed to lift my hands back up just before they dropped, it was like Hulk Hogan coming back to life,” he added.
Despite his inability to let his hands drop, David has managed to secure work in his local Sainsbury’s stocking shelves.
“I’ve been working in Sainsbury’s for 7 years now. I often get people mistaking my raised hands for a high five, which I usually just play along with,” described David. “Last week, in work, a group of youths came into the store and pulled my trousers down leaving me helpless and embarrassed. I felt ashamed as my manager pulled my trousers back up.”
After years of inconvenient gestures, David has considered putting his hands down for the first time. “I’ve just got myself a new girlfriend, in fact this is the only girlfriend that I’ve ever had, and although she has a strange obsession with my extended arms, I think its time to let the old girls swing loose once again”.