A scientific study has confirmed that drinking Coca-Cola is ten times more harmful to humans than snorting cocaine.
The study, carried out in universities all over the world, found that Coca-Cola had a range of detrimental effects on the health of users while cocaine made it slightly hard for people to sleep.
“We’ve been studying the negative effects of Coca-Cola and so far, after almost six months, we’re still finding new stuff every single day,” explained Professor Mike Oak of The University of Michigan. “It causes obesity, diabetes, kidney damage and it totally rots your teeth and that’s quite literally just the tip of the iceberg.”
“I could sit here all day and tell you about the damage Coca-Cola does to each and everyone of your organs,” continued Oak. “But, let’s be honest, nobody wants to hear about that. The real findings of this study is that cocaine is actually a lot less harmful for you than Coca-Cola.”
“Sure, there are some negative effects on your health and it can cause severe anxiety and depression, but that’s what calling in sick and duvet days are for,” claimed the Professor. “As far as I can tell, the only negative effects cocaine has are; it keeps you awake, it can be difficult to bust a nut and it eventually runs out.”
“And, unlike Coca-Cola, it’ll actually help you lose weight. What’s not to like?”