A collective sigh was heard all across Britain at approximately one o’clock on Thursday as the line up for this year’s GlobalGathering festival was announced.
The sigh was so loud in some parts that up to twenty four people were accused of farting and three babies were woken from their mid afternoon naps.
The headliners for this years festival include David Guetta and Alleso while actual DJs like Sasha and Dixon have been forced to assume a more peripheral role. Many festival fans see this as a precursor to a fully commercialised festival much like the plethora of shite which is currently sweeping the United States.
Mark ‘Bez’ Berry(49), a rave victim and general all round shaky bastard had this to say about yesterday’s announcement, “I’ve been going to GlobalGathering since it started in 2001, fourteen years and this is how they repay me.”
“Alleso! Alleso! Who the fuck is fucking Alleso!” he spat. “I’ve been raving since before that little tosser was even a twitch in his Daddy’s balls and don’t even get me started on David fucking Guetta,” he said before starting on David Guetta.
“Who wants to see David Guetta,” asked the clearly irate skeleton lookalike. “If I wanted to watch a French tosser with a stupid looking head put in a shit performance and make a total fucking cunt of himself I’d have gone and watched that twat Samir Nasri play for Man City. Them and Guetta can go fuck off,” he added.
“Not even the Prodigy can save this one for me I’m afraid and that’s a bit of a surprise cause I’m proper old school just like them,” claimed Bez. “The problem is they became irrelevant when all their dancers got fat.”
“You see the dancers were the main part of bands back in the day,” he offered, “and once they either put on weight or lose lots of weight through taking copious amount of drugs it’s just not worth while being a band any more. They’d be best of throwing their hats at it now.”
“It’s not gonna be the same this year, I’m just gonna have to rely on getting my kicks from running around a field like a lunatic mad off my face on fuck knows what instead of the music,” he added. “So it’ll be just like any other day of the fucking week.”
