Sales of creatine and tanning injections are set to soar in Australia after the lineup was released from premier meathead cattle market, Stereosonic.
The annual festival is famed for attracting some of the best live acts and DJs in the music scene as well as muscle bound perma-tanned superjocks in tight luminous shorts and bumbags.
“The announcement of the Stereosonic lineup is always a big day in every Australian gym bunnies calendar,” explained Australian music expert, Sam Rogers. “After months of waiting they’ll finally know at which acts they’ll be flexing their biceps to while trying to find someone to finger in a toilet.”
“It’s also a great day for local businesses that specialise in catering to the vanity of retards, like creatine manufacturers and tanning salons,” continued. “The moment it was announced there was a collective gasp across Instagram as the kids took a moment to stop taking photos of their torsos to book into their local tanning salons.”
Online creatine seller, BulkFanny, reported that its servers actually crashed as people from across Australia attempted to stock up on creatine so that they could be proper hench by the time Stereosonic arrives.
“We actually ordered an extra server to deal with the traffic load in anticipation of the rush but it wasn’t enough,” said BulkFanny spokesperson Max Glutes. “We’ve actually had our busiest day ever, selling out of creatine, protein, tribal tattoos and mirrors.”
According to local figures it’s not just creatine and tanning injections that are selling well, there was also a marked increase in sales of excruciatingly tight shorts, vests that say Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat, ketamine and selfie sticks.
Last year the event received worldwide news coverage after the world’s entire supplies of steroids were used up before the gig, a feat which experts think might happen again.
“I know I’ll be juicing for sure,” explained one ticketholder who says that at the festival he’s most looking forward to seeing his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. “I don’t really like music but I do like public spaces where being topless is acceptable, thankfully, Stereosonic caters for that.”
The festival is scheduled to take place this November and will feature EDM gimptards, Axwell ^ Ingrosso, Diplo and Headhunterz, all of whom will be offering free DJing lessons to whichever bulky boy looks the most marketable for a DJ career.