After years of speculation, red herrings and misdirection the identities of world famous French electro duo, Daft Punk, have been finally revealed as Masterchef double act Gregg Wallace and John Torode.
The unlikely pair, who began the Daft Punk project after crossing glances in an exclusive Parisian eatery in 1994, today confirmed that as well as being famous for eating and judging food they’ve created some of the world’s most influential and iconic electronic music.
“We’re not the fame hungry type,” offered Gregg Wallace who has for years DJed under his ‘Baldy Twat With A Spoon In His Mouth’ moniker at BBC staff parties, “we’re much hungrier for a lovely tiramisu with a buttery biscuit base.”
“Creating dance music is not unlike creating a great dish,” offered John, who says that he came up with the robot idea to deflect attention away from his being an already established chef and to avoid further rumours of a homosexual relationship with Greg. “You need the right mix of ingredients, the right balance of colour and tone. If you’ve done your job right then the food or music should just jump off the speakers and combine in your mind to give you a subtly enjoyable feeling of aesthetic pleasure. Just like a great dish, or wank.”
Greg claims that in order for him to make electronic music he needed to distance himself and John from their already established personas as “the two dudes off Masterchef who are probably banging each other”.
“I wanted to leave Greg in the kitchen where he belonged, humming softly to himself after licking a spoon of custard clean,” continued Greg, before removing a half eaten Mars bar from his pocket which he exclaimed was so good he’d “love to stick his face in it”.
“So in order to get away from my career of eating desserts on camera I had to don the mask and become a robot as a disguise, sort of like how professional opinion haver Jeremy Clarkson does every time he spouts his bullshit he doesn’t really believe.”
John and Greg say they both first fell in love with French house after living in Paris working as a chef and a critic respectively and started making Homework “over slow lunches, before dinner service and between courses” before finally releasing the record to massive acclaim.
The duo claim that for the next 18 years and four albums they worked hard to keep their identities a secret but decided to unveil their true personas now after a year of heavy speculation about who they really are.
“The press pressure became too great,” concluded John. “This time it wasn’t like ‘oh those two guys off Masterchef probably fuck and eat food off each other’, it was about trying desperately to find out who the members of Daft Punk were so we thought the best way to get away from the speculation was to come clean once and for all, so that’s what we’ve done.”
The duo ended the interview by saying they have planned a hiatus from Masterchef hosting duties so that they can focus on their next album said to be a triple concept album based around the three courses of traditional dinner service using only found sounds from a professional kitchen.
