A doctor in california has shocked the local population by revealing that Dan Bilzerian is now more STI than man.
Bilzerian, best known for being a warbling shite hawk with an affinity for guns and prostitutes, has become the subject of tests recently after doctors discovered that he was completely resistant to all known antibiotics.
“I’ve know Bilzerian for a long time now,” revealed sexual health expert Dr Mike Roach. “We started out on a completely professional level but when you’ve been treating someone for STIs, once or twice a month, for twenty odd years you eventually become quite close, I’d never physically touch him without protective gloves on but I would class him as a friend now.”
“He came to me a couple of months ago complaining that he wasn’t feeling well, I examined him and couldn’t find anything wrong with him so I just gave him an antibiotic and sent him on his way,” explained the doctor. “He was back a week later with no improvement so I repeated the process, this went on and on for about a month before I admitted him to hospital,”
“We put him through a series of stringent tests, the results were shocking,” confirmed Roach. “We discovered that he was completely resistant to all antibiotics and that he wasn’t actually infected with an STI but that he actually was an STI. His DNA is now nearly unrecognisable from a man’s and he’s more disease than he is human.”
“It’s nothing like any STI we’ve ever seen before,” said the giddy doctor. “It’s fascinating, he’s a highly aggressive, ultra resistant, super hybrid of all of the other STIs. We have no idea what sort of damage catching the disease, which has provisionally been named Zerian, could do to a person, my guesses are that it’ll kill you stone dead within days but it could be even worse than that.”
“Lock up your daughters, sisters, brothers, fathers, mothers, cousins, uncle, aunties, nephews, nieces, grandparents, work colleagues, neighbours, dogs, cats, livestock and exhausts pipes, Bilzerian isn’t picky,” warned the doctor. “You don’t want to be the first person to catch Zerian and we think just standing beside him is enough for the infection to spread.”
Unconfirmed reports suggest that Bilzerian’s close friend, Steve Aoki, may in fact be a side effect of the STI and not an EDM DJ as was originally believed, more on this as we get it.
