Bearded millionaire trustfund shit-bucket, Dan Bilzerian, has proven beyond all reasonable doubt that money can buy anything, except a personality.
Bilzerian, who is idolised globally by teenage boys due to the number of pictures of scantily clad women on his Instagram account, is believed to have compensated for his lack of personality by buying fast cars, guns and prostitutes.
“Dan, like so many other trust fund children, was born with absolutely no personality,” claimed Hollywood commentator Ryan Seacrest. “Naturally he’s tried to fill the void with a lavish lifestyle but, at the end of the day, there really isn’t anything that can make up for a personality.”
“I’ve personally spoken to the guy over a coffee and it was about as exhilarating as having a conversation entirely about porridge, directly into a toilet bowl, to somebody else’s shit,” explained Seacrest. “The conversation was predominantly made up of grunts, Dan imitating gun noises, pointing at women and making a ‘big breasts’ gesture with his hands.”
“But he did pick up the bill at the end of it so it wasn’t a complete waste of time,” added Seacrest. “What’s the old saying? Never give up a free coffee even if it means you have to have your mind gang raped, by the embodied equivalent of being diagnosed with testicular cancer on your birthday, for a half an hour. Or something like that.”
Reports from Miami indicate that after failing to make himself seem a little more interesting through a number of blunderous careers, such as being a Navy Seal, poker player, stuntman and even paying to be in movies, Bilzerian has now reverted to standing beside EDM shitehawk Steve Aoki to raise his profile.
And according to Seacrest the venture seems to be paying off, “Getting pictured with Aoki definitely makes him seem like less of an insufferable mountain of cockpuss.”
“People see the two of them together and they’re like ‘that piece of shit on the right definitely looks less shitty that that piece of shit on the left,’” explained Seacrest. “So I think we’ll be seeing a lot more of them together, apparently Aoki is paying Floyd Mayweather Junior to hang around with them too, to make himself look less dicky, they may even bring Kanye in on the action in the future.”