British Prime Minister David Cameron has today revealed that London’s world famous Ministry of Sound nightclub is to be made into an actual government department early next year.
The announcement, which has been met with opposition from some corners of Cameron’s Conservative Party, is part of a manifesto issued by the Prime Minister in an attempt to raise the party’s profile amongst Britain’s youth, many of whom perceive party members to be “upper-class twats”, “Oxbridge cuntbags” and “snivelling lizard people”.
The Ministry of Sound will be a rearrangement of the current Department of Culture, Media and Sport and will be at the forefront of a new, modern and “fun” Britain. Sources close to the Prime Minister have revealed that, recently named MBE and BBC Radio One DJ, Pete Tong is set to become the first ever Minister of Sound.
David Cameron explained the announcement, “We want to use the Ministry of Sound as a symbol of Britain’s youth and a flagship for a new modern metropolitan Britain. I’ve never actually been to a nightclub, but I have heard they’re jolly good fun so I’m really looking forward to seeing what all the fuss is about!”
“Who knows maybe we’ll even get all the world’s leader together for a really big night and discuss the possibility of peace and fair trade over a couple of grams of Mandy,” he said while pretending to be a real person.
Lord Cederick Tofferson, a conservative party member and absolute bell end, voiced his resistance to the announcement, “This really is the biggest load of nonsense I’ve ever heard in my life. If this is the idea of modern Britain I’m quite happy to stay living in the past. It’s a nightclub for goodness sake. Everyone knows nightclubs are for plebs.”
“Listening to loud music and jumping around a room like an idiot with a lot of sweaty people isn’t fun,” claimed Lord Tofferson. “Dressing up in silly red costumes and watching a gang of ravenous dogs rip a defenseless fox to pieces. Now that’s fun!”
“Beating and impregnating servants is fun. Marrying one’s first cousin is fun. Exploiting other countries natural resources is fun,” he continued. “Nightclubs are not. Honestly the youth today are so out of touch with reality that I sometimes think Britain is doomed.”
