Dental records pulled from the preserved remains of a Stone Age man in Germany have concluded that he was most likely grinding his teeth on pills.
The study, released by the Indiana Jones School of Speculative Archaeology, refuted the hypothesis that the subject’s teeth were worn down from a diet of sabertooth tigers and lava, insisting that stone age people were “definitely, definitely dropping pills”.
“What else could it have been?” asked lead researcher Marion Ravenwood. “We already know that stone age people engaged in ritualistic, repetitive ceremonies involving dancing and consumption of drugs, now the fossil record backs it up.”
“There are countless neolithic sites across Europe that we were unsure of but now we can say with almost 100% certainty that they were primitive nightclubs,” continued the doctor. “For example there’s Newgrange in Ireland with it’s many rooms offering different varieties of stone age techno and of course famous outdoor afterhours spot Stonehenge in England.”
The study further suggested that cave paintings may have been drawn using a primitive type of dye that the stone age people used in glowsticks so they could make cool patterns with their hands when dancing in cave-based underground raves.
“Close to the body we found a midden heap which contained preserved remains of empty baggies, some spliff roaches and a cassette type on which there was faded writing that said “Jungle Classics 7,056BC,’” continued Dr. Ravenwood. “So with all that evidence it’s hard to refute that neolithic hunter and gatherers were regularly spending their Friday nights, bopping around dimly lit caves chewing the absolute jaws off themselves while a couple of lads banged some rocks and sticks together. Just like Berghain now.”
The study concluded by stating that doing pills was most likely beneficial for the survival of neolithic people’s as a way for people “to get their holes on a Friday night” but might be the reason why Homo-erectus died off as they “weren’t able to handle their drugs”.
