Diplo Caught Masturbating To Pencil Drawing Of Skrillex
US trap star Diplo has reportedly gone into hiding after being caught wanking over a pencil drawing of Jack U band mate Skrillex.
The drawing, believed to have been done by Diplo himself, was found smeared in a “white substance” as well as what have been identified as tears on the floor of a bathroom that Diplo had been using.
Witnesses claim that the picture “was indeed very sexy” and featured Skrillex’s distinctive black tresses shaved on one side and glasses which, continues the witness, “anyone would be forgiven for wanking over”.
“It had crude boobs rendered on the chest area as well,” continued the unnamed witness. “Which made it even sexier.”
It is believed that Diplo began the “wank odyssey” after receiving negative attention for a tweet pertaining to the lack of bootilicousness of Taylor Swift’s bum which painted him as sexist and accused him of body shaming.
“The ironic thing is that if Lorde or any of the people who were offended by the ill advised tweet knew that secretly Diplo masturbates to immaculately rendered pencil drawings of his hetero music partner Skrillex what he done himself then they might have been less quick to paint him as a misogynist,” claimed the source. “They’d have just accurately thought that he’s a bit of a tool who likes to play with his tool when looking at pencil drawings of other tools.”
An aide claims that Diplo likes to do pencil drawings of all his favourite artists, people who he works with and those who he simply fancies as having tight pink bums.
“Some people who have graced his canvasses include Barry Manilow, his Major Lazer mate Switch, Jessica Rabbit and Deadmau5,” claimed the aide. “There’s something about pencil drawings that gets Diplo’s dick hard and that’s all there is to it.”
Justin Bieber has reportedly attempted to distance himself from Diplo having heard the news of the wank art claiming that he “has a much nicer face than Skrillex with a better moustache and is easier to draw”.
“If he had been caught wanking about me I’d have no problem,” claimed a disappointed Bieber. “If there’s one thing I’m good at, one thing I’m useful for, it’s to be the wank fantasy of sleazy middle-aged men. Frankly, I’m offended to not have been included.”
Diplo released a brief statement defending his actions by insisting that “the moment took [him]” and that “anyone would have done the same thing”.