Disgraced Ferguson Addresses Wanking Rumours That Forced Him From Man United Job
Disgraced Ferguson releases statement to address his sacking from Manchester United.
Former manager of Manchester United, Alex Ferguson, has spoken publicly for the first time since being dishonorably dismissed from his position earlier this week.
In a statement delivered at an emotionally charged press conference this afternoon, the formerly exhalted Scotsman addressed the widely circulated reports that he was ejected from his position at the Old Trafford club for having ejaculated on his pants during a post match interview.
Ferguson looked visibly shaken as he stepped to the microphone to deliver the following statement to reporters:
‘There have been a lot of rumours, a lot of malicious gossip, about the circumstances in which I was forcibly removed from Old Trafford earlier this week which I would like to address, here and now, once and for all.
People have been saying I was caught masturbating, that I was found with my pants around my ankles smelling Wayne Rooney’s dressing room seat and mashing my penis shaft into the sharpened studs of Ryan Giggs’s mud caked boots… Lies. Bare faced, egregious lies…
The truth is…I’d been under a lot of pressure, running a football club, it’s no joke. You can get caught up. Sacrifices must be made. As it were, I hadn’t made the time I normally would have for my bi-monthly seminal discharge on the particular day in question. Easy mistake.
A pair of tight fitting briefs began to chaff me as I descended the stairs to the dressing room and press area, although the sensation was initially grating, the rhythmic nature stimulated the nerve endings along the spout of my urethra and before I had time to gain control of my facilities my penis had became involuntarily engorged.
Not wanting to draw attention to the unsightly protrusion the erection was making in my pinstriped pants, I reached down to restrict the bulge with my waistband when, unfortunately, a large delivery of ejaculate burst forth from my body, blasting up my undershirt and oozing through the fabric of both my under and outer pants, resulting in an unsightly and unmistakable semen stain.
Next thing I know, Geoff Shreeves has a microphone in my face and a camera on my nut porridge. Before I had time to take a J-cloth to the bloody mess, I had to explain to millions of people, the club owners included, why Chelsea just beat us 1-0 at home with a midriff full of man milk. Well that was all she wrote. I’ve been left jobless, humiliated and vilified in the press…No one deserves this treatment. My grandchildren won’t even sit on my lap, even if I offer them sweets.
I wish to apologise to my colleagues, to my family, and most importantly the fans. I know that there is no excuse for my actions, involuntary or not. A manager should never under any circumstances ejaculate in the presence of his team or other members of staff. Not into his hand, not into a tissue, and certainly not all over his pants. I am sorry, of course. But clearly, this could have happened to anybody.‘
After the statement finished, Ferguson hastily exited the conference room without fielding any questions, leaving his entourage and ashen faced wife behind in his mad dash for the door.
It is not known whether Ferguson will be allowed to remain on in the club in any official capacity in light of the horrific incident, with members of the club board calling for his immediate banning from all club events.
Several eye witnesses have mentioned in passing that his semen “looked overly thick and smelt eggy”, further adding to the once great manager’s spiral of clumpy white disgrace.