A DJ in Moscow has been rushed to hospital with a broken neck after stage diving at a show in which the entire audience were on ketamine and failed to notice.
Russian DJ Marko Brezhni reportedly leapt from the DJ booth into what he expected to be the waiting arms of the audience but landed on his face in a crumpled heap, snapping his neck and lying in agony until the audience emerged from their collective k-hole and helped him.
“The whole audience just continued dancing until the 8 minute tech-house closing track ended, only becoming aware that he was lying in a heap after the ket wore off,” claimed one witness. “I don’t know what possessed him to stage dive, perhaps he’d been looking at Steve Aoki videos and thought it’d be a good idea.”
“That might work with a baying crowd of raging American high schoolers, with their unhuman strength for lifting beer and guns, but for an audience of tech-house fans, who are definitely all on ketamine, it was a bit of a mistake,” he added. “With most of them being skinny Vice readers who’ve never lifted anything other than a spliff to their mouths, there was very little chance of success without the ketamine.”
Workers in the club who witnessed the tragedy said that Marko had seriously misjudged the situation as most of the crowd were either in the process of taking furtive bumps or looked like slackly faced, eyes closed corpses who someone had managed to make stand up and sway imperceptibly.
“If he thought they’d manage to catch him then he’s an idiot and probably deserves a broken neck,” continued the witness. “Plus, this isn’t a rock concert, it’s a DJ set, you’re not that big of a deal to be jumping into crowd.”
Reports conclude that Marko was eventually taken to hospital where his neck was put into a brace and he was saved from becoming paralysed thanks to the ironic ministrations of powerful tranquilizers to stop him from moving his head.
“The doctors told me that I’ll never play tech-house again,” wept Marko from his hospital bed. “Or at least that if I do then don’t expect the crowd to be buoyant enough to surf, or even dance much.”
