DJ Mag Top Spot To Be Decided With Game Of Soggy Biscuit
A source involved with the DJ Mag Top 100 vote has revealed that the ultimate prize for DJs is routinely settled by those ten DJs who received the most votes engaging in a game of Soggy Biscuit to decide the winner.
Soggy Biscuit, a masturbation game believed to have originated in British private schools during WW2 when rationing often meant that boys weren’t eating enough protein and so had to rely on other sources of nutrition – namely theirs and other boys’ semen, is understood to have been used to settled the DJ Mag Top 100 vote ever since all of the participants became indistinguishable from each other musically.
“It’s the fairest way to decide who wins because there’s no really much between the finalists,” claimed the source speaking under condition of anonymity. “All of the DJs play broadly the same brand of commercial EDM while employing the same effects laden build, drop, build formula so it’s almost impossible to point out the differences between a Hardwell set or a Martin Garrix set.”
The source claims that playing Soggy Biscuit is the fairest way to decide who gets the top prize and that they employ Eton rules where the last person to ejaculate onto the biscuit loses and has to eat it while the DJ who comes quickest is declared winner.
“How quickly you can blow your load onto a biscuit is now the true barometer of an EDM DJ’s talent,” added the source. “Armin won it so many times in the past because, like a porn star, he can make himself ejaculate almost on command.”
According to the source, last year’s winner – Hardwell – reportedly only won the top spot because he does in fact suffer from premature ejaculation and often ejaculates before the woman has even had the chance to be gratified sexually which doesn’t much bother Hardwell because he claims, “I don’t really care if she enjoys it or not and coming quick is making me win the DJ Mag top spot as well as getting the sex act over quickly so I can go back to watching Deal of No Deal”.
Some other positions which are reportedly filled using the Soggy Biscuit model include – United States President, News Corporation CEO and X-Factor winner.
“Just because the Soggy Biscuit challenge doesn’t actually measure a DJs abilities as a DJ doesn’t mean that the winner is undeserving,” concluded the source. “It’s a challenge because you have to maintain unbroken eye contact with the DJ in front of you – which is supposed to put you off but depending on who the DJ facing you is you might actually come quicker if they have soft, shiny hair like Steve Aoki, or the physique of a 16 year old girl like Steve Aoki.”