In a move that is being heralded as the “sliced bread of medicine”, doctors have started using ketamine to treat ketamine addiction.
After a “major breakthrough” at a shady research facility in Brighton, an unlicensed doctor claims to have discovered that ketamine is actually the best cure for ketamine addiction.
“We’ve been carrying out some pretty extensive research here at our research center,” explained self-titled Doctor Brown. “It’s actually more of a crack den than a research facility but the drug dealers who fund our research have cleaned it up quite nicely for us.”
“Ketamine is a funny old drug,” continued the doctor. “It’s not as addictive, or as much fun, as some of the other, better, drugs out there but you can still develop a dependency on it quite easily. We’ve been trying to find out how best to deal with it for a long time now, we’ve tried weed, MDMA, beer, whiskey, pretty much everything but it turns out more ketamine is actually the best thing for it.”
“Unless of course you actually want to give it up altogether,” claimed the doctor, who got his credentials free with a box of Weetos. “If you’re actually serious about getting clean and not just trying to enhance your buzz, we recommend that you stop taking it altogether and seek actual medical advice, not talk to a bunch of charlatans like us.”
In related news, alcoholics all over the world are said to be looking forward to their “second wind” after it was revealed that MDMA was to be trialed as a possible cure for alcoholism.