The latest statistics from the tanning industry have confirmed that the average Essex resident is ten times more tanned than their Ibizan counterparts.
Unlike the Ibiza tan, the Essex tan is an all year round tan which makes it far superior to tans found in any other seasonal location.
“Shut up! Are we really more tanned than those people in Ibiza?” asked twenty-one-year-old Nikki from Chelmsford. “But aren’t they all, like, foreign and stuff. I’d have thought that they’d have a much better tan because they live closer to Africa. I’m really surprised by that, don’t they have sunbeds over there?”
“I’ve been going to the tanning shop twice a week since I was about eleven,” continued Nikki, a beauty therapist. “It’s what gives me my healthy orange glow and lets people know that I’m not English, I’m Essexish. There’s no way I could handle being all pale and pasty like someone from London or the north. This ain’t no basic bitch.”
According to Essex icon Katie Price, who was named Queen of Essex in 2008 despite being born in Brighton, the Essex tan is “probably the best in the world”.
“There’s no other tan quite like it,” explained Price, who has tanning beds built into her clothes. “The secret is to go on holiday at least three times a year and keep yourself topped up on the beds at least four times a week. If your skin is lighter than a dark mahogany at any point in the year, you’re doing it wrong.”
“If you keep up with a good tanning regime like that until you’re about sixty, your skin will eventually turn into something similar to an old leather boot with a beautiful brown hue and you won’t need to go to the tanning salon anymore.”