Dolphins have politely asked humans to fuck off after an idiot human reportedly drowned off the coast of Argentina when he forgot he couldn’t breathe underwater while posing for a selfie with an uninterested pod of dolphins.
One eyewitness, Francisco Di Margarita, claimed to have seen the man struggling but failed to go to his aid after pausing for up to fifteen minutes while trying and take a selfie with the drowning man in the background.
“It was horrible, I guess the guy was just looking for a really cool picture with some dolphins and went too far out into the sea,” explained Mr. Di Margarita. “I’m a former lifeguard, with a smoking hot body, so my natural reaction was to try and get a really cool selfie with they guy drowning in the background.”
“The sun was at a bit of a weird angle and it was reflecting off the water so I had to take about two or three hundred shots before I got one I was happy with,” continued Di Margarita, who considers taking selfies his favourite hobby. “Then, I had to upload the picture to Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat so by the time I got around to trying to rescue the man it was just too late, I could see he was floating face down in the water so I didn’t bother swimming out to him. My hair would have been totally ruined.”
The drowned man, twenty six year old Alfonso Dumass, is believed to have, in a prolonged period of stupidity, forgot that he was a land mammal and failed to understand that he relied on his natural habitat to survive.
Biologist Mary Pearce explained, “Well it’s quite simple really, humans live on land, we can’t survive underwater. The same principles apply to all species of life. It’s common knowledge. You’d have to be either really stupid or a horrible, subspecies, low-life cretin not to understand.”
As of yet no Dolphins have commented on today’s incident, most likely because they live in the ocean, don’t care about humans or selfies and just want to be left alone.
