News emerging from Washington today suggests that Donald Trump is planning on getting his daughter, Ivanca Trump, “really drunk” at his inauguration party.
While it is not yet clear what Trump hopes to achieve by getting his eldest daughter intoxicated, many believe he may also be planning to invite her to spend the night in the White House’s presidential suite.
“Donald’s made no secret of the fact he’s attracted to his daughter,” claimed Billy Ray Cyrus. “And there’s nothing wrong with that, a lot of us guys with incredibly hot daughters are attracted to our girls once they grow up, for a start they look just like their mothers, who we fucked them into so it wouldn’t be saying much for our marriages if we didn’t find them at least a little hot.”
“But, there’s one thing you do not do, no matter how hot your daughter is, and that’s let people know you’re attracted to them,” continued Cyrus. “I mean how dumb can this guy be, sure you can think it, you can even have a bit of a creep on their Instagram but you never say it, especially not on television, that’s some Fritzel level shit right there.”
According to sources within the Trump camp, the incoming president has bought over three hundred cases of Ivanca’s favourite champagne and instructed waiters to make sure her glass never empties.
It is also being reported that Ivanca’s husband, Jared Kushner, who acted as one of Trump’s chief strategists during his Presidential campaign, has not been invited to the party.
“Not inviting Kushner is a very shrewd move,” claimed one Wunderground source. “I’ve also heard they’ll be serving oysters and chocolate at the party, two things Ivanca really loves and both natural aphrodisiacs, he’s really going all out tonight, I suppose once he’s President he can do whatever he wants so why not?”
Unconfirmed reports suggest Trump has splashed out on a brand new wig, weaved from extremely rare unicorn hair, in the hope it helps him get lucky later tonight.