Alcohol companies all over the world are believed to be re-targeting the dead in an attempt to boost sales ahead of the summer season.
According to experts, alcohol sales take a severe dip in the early months of the summer as people all over the world struggle to get the perfect beach body ahead of their annual trip away to the sun.
“We’re not exactly short of cash but we always want to make more of it,” explained one alcohol company CEO. “It breaks our heart every summer to see people drinking less and our profits dropping. Between people trying to get in shape and the weather being that little bit nicer and less depressing our profits are down at least 3.5 %.”
“We just can’t cope with that kind of disappointment anymore so we’ve been looking at ways to try and boost our sales at this time of year,” continued the CEO. “After countless hours of focus groups and market research, we finally decided to start targeting kids. They’re on their summer holidays, they’re naturally slim and not too worried about their weight and they have plenty of pocket money to spend.”
“We put a lot of work into it but unfortunately it went down like Moby’s morale at hamburger eating competition,” he continued. “For some reason, people just don’t like alcohol companies targeting children and we got some really bad publicity off the back of it. Eventually, we had to pull the entire project and come up with a new target market, I really don’t see what the big fuss was, we’ll have them all drinking sooner or later.”
“That’s when the idea to target the dead came about. It’s perfect, there’s no one demographic who care less about what they look like, they have a lot of spare time and they have fuck all else to spend their money on. Plus, nobody gives a fuck about them so we can pretty much get dirtier than DJ Deeon’s Instagram feed with our marketing techniques.”
“We’ve been plastering graveyards with billboards advertising alcohol brands, running competitions offering free entry into Heaven, it’s actually a nightclub in Norfolk, and even getting ads on hospital radio and in magazine’s that are popular hospices, just to get a little bit ahead of the game. If we can even tap into a little bit of the dead market, we’ll be doing very well for ourselves.”
Financial experts claim that there is currently over £500 Billion sitting in unclaimed estates, making the dead one of the richest groups of people in the entire world.
“Every year, thousands of people die without getting their estate in order,” explained one life insurance salesman. “In lots of these cases, large amounts of money are left in limbo with no one to claim it. Dead people actually have more disposable income than the rest of us put together.”