Drug Dealer Expecting Slow January As Entire Clubbing Community Detoxes

A local drug dealer has said that he is expecting a lean start to the year as clubbers, who make up 100% of his business, begin their annual “well intentioned, but short lived detox” throughout the month of January.

“This time of year is always tough on the narcotics industry,” divulged the dealer who asked to be named only as Toby. “Everyone who I’d normally be selling wraps of ket and pills to on a weekly basis is spending January in a guilt induced program of self improvement because of the whole ‘drugs are bad for you’ thing.'”

Toby claims that his market of 25 – 34 year old young professionals virtually vanishes every January for “roughly a month, sometimes longer” in what he compares to a “massive migration” from the dance floor to the gym.

“It happens every year, without fail,” explained Toby. “I send my usual weekly text message asking ‘Do you want any?’ and get replies like ‘No man, thanks. Staying dry for the month’ or ‘Not buying for a while mate, need to sort my shit out.'”

“I’d make more money selling cold pressed vegetable smoothies or yoga mats than pills and coke,” he added.

One of Toby’s regular customers, Jamie, came forward to try to offer some perspective on why the drug dealing industry suffers such a blow throughout the first month of the year.

“I suppose there just comes a time of clarity over Christmas,” he explained. “I know for me it was when I was lying on my mate’s floor on a Sunday afternoon snorting my eight pill of the weekend having been out since the previous Friday night and I just got the strange thought that maybe staying up for three days nailing narcs isn’t exactly good for you.”

“So I did some research online and I was right, doing drugs consistently every weekend over the course your entire adult life apparently is bad for you. So I decided there and then to cut them out altogether, for a month,” continued Jamie. “I probably won’t cut them out altogether, the jam packed clubbing calendar sort of makes that impossible without becoming a Facebook-less hermit.”

“But I have made a plan to give up the whole clubbing and partying scene for at least a month,” said Jamie. “My thinking is that if I give up for January then I can pretty up much cane it for the rest of the year.”

Toby was quick to point out that most of the “quarter life crisis attempts at copping onto life” were, while well intentioned, set to ultimately fail and that business would be booming again by the first weekend in February.

“It never lasts long thankfully,” concluded Toby. “Making life goals and going the gym is difficult and ultimately most clubbers don’t possess the mental fortitude to keep that up for very long without having the odd weekend where they slip up, and it’s my job to be there when they do.”