In a move that is set to offset the balance between buying drugs in person and buying them online from sites like Silk Road the nation’s drug dealers have today announced their offering of free wi-fi and a place to shoot up to all customers.
In a joint statement the National Drug Dealing Alliance said that from June 16th it’d be offering each customer the chance to avail of free wi-fi services while also providing customers with a secure and warm place to shoot up in peace.
“Customers using any one of our thousands of franchises can avail of free wi-fi services when in the presence of an authorised dealer, whether in his house, car or even on street,” read the statement.
“We’re hoping this approach does away with the ‘shandy hand-off’ vibe that our dealers have previously been known for and will create a more, friendly ‘let’s share a cup of tea while you spike heroin into the gap between your big and second toe’ vibe.”
The NDDA claim that there must be a minimum transaction of €20 for customers to use the free wi-fi or for them to be provided with a room/shed/back seat to bang up in.
“Once the money changes hands then customers will be given the exclusive password either to the house’s wi-fi or to the dealer’s phone which will be used as a hotspot,” continued the statement which says that registered dealers will have the wi-fi logo tattooed onto their leg and only those dealers are legally registered to provide wi-fi and venue services.
“They will then have a half hour of internet time during which they’re free to enjoy their drugs, play some tunes and chill while checking their bank balance or watching porn.”
“Some dealerships will even be providing free scones or drug advice,” added the statement which claimed that the drugs being banged up must be drugs bought on site and not from outside sources.
“So long as the wi-fi isn’t then used to purchase drugs online people are free to use it,” concluded the statement “and that the smack that customers are being given graciously a venue to bang up must have been bought from the dealer present.”
