Drug User Mistakenly Thinking Dealer Is His Friend
A local drug user has today been left embarrassed and upset that the drug dealer he thought he was forming a bond of friendship with didn’t feel the same way.
“I can’t believe he used me like this, after all the awkward conversations breaking the ice in his car,” wept David who claims he had to resort to discussing football and films in a bid to find common ground with the drug dealer who he had met randomly at a festival the year before. “After all the two minute conversations we had I really thought the relationship was going somewhere.”
“We met at Tomorrowland and realised we lived near each other,” explained David. “Alex insisted I take his number. He seemed like a nice guy so I took it. I thought we were going to meet up and hang out, I didn’t know he was just using me to sell me drugs.”
David claims that on repeated occasions he invited Alex into his home “for a quick spliff or a can” when purchasing drugs from him but a distant Alex always insisted on “meeting outside a local pub or in his Toyota Coralla”.
“I thought he might just be shy or that he was busy, he’s a drug dealer you know so when he repeatedly turned down my invitations to hang out I thought he was busy selling drugs and not that he saw our relationship as one based on a simple transaction and nothing more.”
David claims that when he received vague snubs from Alex that he was “in the middle of something and will call him back” or that he “had to take care of a few things” he felt that Alex was just meeting other dealers and didn’t feel that it reflected on their relationship.
“I just feel so foolish and used,” continued a distraught David. “I thought when we first met that me and Alex had something, we shared a spliff and smiles in the warm light of a festival main stage. It was romantic in a friendship forming way. But I see now that I was wrong, I was nothing to him but a piece of meat that bought drugs from him.”
David claims that the final straw when he found out that Alex had been ten-timing him with other customers, one of whom was a friend of David’s.
“When I found out he had been selling coke to Jane as well my heart just sank,” wept David, who says that he confronted Jane and Alex about the relationship but was told that it was purely business, just like the one him and Alex shared.
“Seeing them in the car together made me physically sick, I couldn’t stand the stench of betrayal. Alex just scoffed at me and said we were never mates and that he was just a dealer to me, nothing more. I’ll never trust another drug dealer again.”
Your attempt to achieve the daily mash’s quality of satire cannot be done by just nicking their ideas: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/middle-class-man-convinced-builders-like-him-2013041265450
Sorry dude, but The Onion is wayyyyy funnier.