A twenty four year old dyslexic virgin was left extremely “unsatisfied” last night after mistakenly attending Manchester’s Warehouse Project club night in the belief that it was a whorehouse.
Darren Townsend made the four hundred mile round trip from London to Manchester for the Annie Mac Presents night, featuring artists such as Danny Brown and Tourist, in an attempt to finally pop his cherry and have sex with a living object.
“I’m not sure if I’m more embarrassed or upset,” admitted the emotional young man. “I’ve been building this up in my head for months now, only for the big day to finally come around and end in nothing but disappointment. My friends always said I couldn’t score in a brothel, I always thought they were just being mean but it turns out they were only a couple of misplaced vowels away from the truth.”
“I’ve fancied Annie Mac for years too which makes the whole thing a bit more painful,” continued Darren. “I didn’t actually think I was going to get to shag her or anything, obviously I know she’s not a prossie, but I thought she might have a few gorgeous Irish cailins for me to awkwardly fumble and eventually squirt my mother load into after two or three seconds of full blown penetration.”
“This is the worst thing that’s happened to me since I took Viagra and went to my local saxophone suppliers, Sax Shop,” he went on with his head hung in shame. “At this rate I’m going to end up going to Newcastle or even worse to Doncaster to finally have sex with a woman.”
If you have been affected by any of the issues in this article please call 189T-555-41E.
