Shrill, anti-theist professor of unnecessary controversy, Richard Dawkins, has reportedly renounced his atheist beliefs after apparently finding existence of a higher power during a recent DMT trip.
Reportedly telling friends and confidantes that there is a higher power Dawkins wept claiming that his strident certainty in there being nothing after death was misguided and wrong.
“I was interested in disproving the reports by people like Richard Strassman of there being some kind of spiritual entities associated with the DMT experience,” explained Dawkins in that tone of voice that he has perfected which suggests that you are a child to whom he is paying mild interest.
“So last Friday Attenborough pops round with some of the stuff that he got off some Peruvian tribespeople,” continued Dawkins. “He always gets top gear does Attenborough and he had his crack pipe with him so we took a few hits each and fell straight into the trip.”
The professor claims that, while his DMT experience is largely ineffable and almost impossible to describe to anyone who hasn’t also been through it, he “saw the self transforming machine elves that Terence McKenna was talking about” and that they communicated with him.
“I can’t believe I’ve been so wrong all of these years,” raged an exasperated Dawkins while smashing his private collection of dinosaur bones. “I always thought I’d be able to explain away any experience I had on the basis of evolutionary theory but I just wasn’t able to apply it to this, it was mental.”
Describing evolution as “bollocks” and burning his copy of The Origin Of Species Dawkins claims that the “machine elves” showed him a higher plane of existence, called him a supercilious cunt and told him to “stop being such a po-faced and certain dick-rocketeer”.
Dawkins has claimed that, so as to keep his position of power in the new atheist movement, he will keep his newfound faith private lest he be exposed as a believer – a pragmatic situation that is the direct reverse of what all religious figures experience when they pretend to be certain in the existence god to keep their jobs.
Claiming the experience left him shaken, scared and profoundly changed Dawkins nevertheless insists that he’ll try it again saying “it’s too good of an experience not to want to repeat again and again, like wanking or eating cheesecake except with less consequences”.