Case Closed: Tupac Death Labelled Covid-19

The West Coast gangster rap scene can today breath a sigh of relief, as a rare moment of closure befalls the unsolved Tupac Shakur killing of 1996.

Authorities in Las Vegas have today ruled the death ‘Covid-19’.

For years, the rap grapevine claimed it was Shug Knight, not Covid-19, behind the killing; and today from his prison cell at Richard J. Donovan Correctional Facility, Shug reasserted those claims.

“Yeah, I killed the bastard. Ran up alongside his BMW, knocked on the window and said ‘last person to roll down their window is gay,’ so he shot up in his seat and rolled his window down as quick as he could – and that’s when I sneezed on the fool.”

“Big streams of giant long green snot they were too. Like crazy string, only with more pressure – and deadly too. The biggest snots in rap. The greenest in the game.”

While Covid-19 symptoms can sometimes take up to 14 days to appear, in this case it appears Tupac began immediately coughing, panic buying toilet paper and tweeting at government officials about insufficient benefits. 

He is said to have died at the scene from a rare Covid-19 side-effect; gunshot wounds.

Forensics taken at the scene and re-examined using modern technology, show that Mr Shakur had not been social distancing and was sat right beside the driver, throwing caution to the wind and putting both lives at risk.

His mask was tied into a bandana on his head, and his hands were tied behind his back with “some of the longest, greenest snots in rap” according to the forensics report.

The post-mortem also revealed Mr Shakur had 77 milligrammes of alcohol per 100 millilitres of blood when his death took place, which indicates the deceased had been sanitising his hands on an extremely regular basis leading up to his death. 

However, this wasn’t enough to save him from Covid and he will go down in records as the first gang-related Covid-19 death in history.

If you or anyone you know has been affected by any of the issues in this news piece, please call ‘The Centre For Dead Rappers Who Have Been Tied Up By Shug Knight’s Snot In 1996’ on 1800-Hit’Us-Up for help and support.