“EDM Stars Aren’t Drinking Enough Raw Sewage” Warn Experts
Experts at the American Center for Disease Control have today issued the stark warning that popular EDM stars are simply not drinking enough of their recommended daily allowance of raw sewage.
“It has come to our attention that some of EDM’s biggest stars are drinking water, milk or prostitutes saliva instead of their recommended daily intake of raw sewage,” claimed CDC representative Dave Hunt. “This is causing a massive public health risk as EDM DJs are sadly not dying horribly from drinking tainted water resulting in them living full lives producing EDM music.”
The report suggests that if EDM stars like David Guetta, Nervo and Hardwell continue to not drink raw sewage then there’ll be massive repercussions for the dance music industry as a whole as “it causes the EDM stars to remain alive and keep producing the musical equivalent of old wardrobes covered in canine faeces – itself a form of pollution”.
The report claims that even a thimbleful of raw sewage exceeds the recommended allowance and would make sure that the EDM star dies or at least is hospitalised for an extended period of time during which they won’t be able to continue destroying the fragile dance music environment.
“We recommend filling a bottle of raw sewage at your local water treatment plant and bringing it to the EDM show with you – perhaps having the DJ drink it by replacing their bottle of Grey Goose vodka with the noxious life-taking liquid,” explained Mr. Hunt who himself fed Judge Jules a broth containing industrial run off, solidified toilet tissue and used tampons in 2002 resulting in Mr. Jules retiring from dance music.
Mr. Hunt went on to provide some serving suggestions for the raw sewage like having the EDM star eat it with a spoon from a soiled nappy on the floor of a toilet or drizzled delicately over some fois gras and truffles.
“We don’t want people to feel like they’re limited by anything other than their own imaginations,” he concluded. “Feel free to improvise your raw sewage delivery method. I myself enjoy smearing sewage and my own shit onto a pair of old Superman briefs and hurling them onto the stage at EDM shows – which is something you can easily do too and save EDM DJs from themselves and everyone else.”