Every single person in the world, from world leaders to common citizens, are locked in the most important debate of our time – what time is appropriate to start drinking on Christmas Day.
Several schools of thought have emerged, one being “after dinner, or at least have some wine with dinner and then onto the hard stuff later,” although there have been some pushes from disaffected groups to start earlier.
“It’s Christmas Day, you’d want to be hitting the sauce fairly hard the minute you get up,” claimed Irish Taoiseach, Enda Kenny. “I’ll be hungover to bits from the night before so I’ll definitely need a curer first thing. Can’t beat a bit of the hair of the dog.”
“I’ll probably go for a cocktail that a few of the cabinet have put me onto recently,” continued Enda. “It’s called a Craggy Island Iced Tea, it’s a mix of Buckfast and Bulmers over ice…according to Aengus Ó Snodaigh it’s totes amaze-yballs.”
Some people, who suggested that “getting as pissed as a tramp in the summer” is not what Christmas is about but rather that it’s a time of year when the Christian faithful reflect on the birth of their lord and saviour in peaceful contemplation, have been forcefully removed from the debate on the grounds that they’re “dry shites and buzz kills.”
“Those people who go to Mass on Christmas and pray and whatnot, that’s fairly mental,” offered 24 year old I.T. consultant, Andrew Connors. “I mean if you’re taking in an ole sneaky naggin then that’s grand but going for the buzz of it, that’s a bit weird. Zero craic to be had.”
Andrew continued by saying that he had planned to give the sauce a rest in the morning but planned to hit it “fairly hard” after he had his dinner. “The stomach will be well and truly lined by then. I’d get on the drink earlier in the day but I want to be able to stay up right through the night and the next day so need to pace myself.”
The vast majority of the planet have said that they don’t plan to exercise any kind of caution with their alcohol intake over the Christmas with most of them replying to the question, “at what time do you plan to start drinking on Christmas Day” with the curt response, “Christmas Eve.”
