A man, who believes he recently spoke to God while in the depths of a k hole, has claimed he was told there was a “rave of Biblical proportions” held at the base of Mount Sinai after Moses had come down from the mountain with tablets.
Andrew Williams, a twenty eight year old mechanic, professed that the modern day version of events, where Moses comes down from the mountain with stone tablets inscribed with the ten commandments, are false and that there was, in fact, only one commandment, “thou shalt party”, and the tablets were not stone at all but actually a “big bag of blue ghosts”.
“The whole thing sounds a bit far fetched,” said Andrew earlier today. “If I hadn’t been told by the big man himself there’s no way I’d have believed it but when you start to think about it, it actually makes a lot of sense.”
“Moses had just liberated the Israelites from the Egyptians and they’d been floating aimlessly around the desert for a few months so, naturally, when they came to Mount Sinai, with a fresh supply of water and lots of lovely manna to eat, they decided to chill for a while,” continued Andrew, who now uses ketamine to speak with God at least once a day. “I think God texted Moses and told him to meet him at the top of the mountain for a chat about what to do next.”
“He told me that himself and Moses had a good long talk and decided that the best way to lift the Israelites’ spirits was to have a big rave,” explained Andrew. “They brought in a couple of psytrance DJs, organised a big fuck off sound system and God gave Moses ten thousand blue ghosts. They really knew how to party back in those days.”
“Apparently, the whole thing about the ten commandments and the stone tablets was edited into the story by the Romans thousands of years later,” he continued. “They were absolutely no fun and only into rock music so they removed all traces of house, trance and raves from the Bible when they jumped on the Christian bandwagon and rebranded the empire as the Catholic Church.”
According to previously unseen evidence, the rave at the base of Mount Sinai continued for nearly a full week and every time the Israelites ran out of alcohol God miraculously made one of the mountain springs flow with “White Lightning Cider or Buckfast”.
