“Evil E-Cigarettes Are Going To Kill You & Eat Your Babies” Claims Balanced News Story

In the wake of the recent controversies surrounding e-cigarettes it has emerged that not only are you at risk of the lithium batteries exploding when used incorrectly but e-cigarettes “are evil and are going to kill you and eat your babies” according to a study conducted by Philip Morris International and circulated by news outlets globally.

“Run for the hills and panic as much as possible because evil e-cigarettes are tearing away the very fabric of society,” insisted the study leader Peter Jenkins. “They’re more dangerous than global warming, US foreign policy and Chucky from the Child’s Play movies combined.”

The measured and unbiased report sponsored by the Philip Morris International tobacco company, claims that “the recent newspaper stories of people maiming themselves or being involved in accidents caused by using e-cigarettes improperly is just the beginning” and that unless people stop using e-cigarettes immediately there will be devastating consequences for “you, your babies and everyone you’ve ever known and loved”.

“When the brightly labelled as corrosive nicotine juice comes into contact with your skin it’ll cause a corrosive chemical burn much like bleach or any other household caustic substance,” continued Mr. Jenkins. “However with e-cigarette nicotine juice the highly toxic nicotine will burrow into your skin before bursting out of your chest Alien-style while you’re having your dinner or during sex.”

The report claims that the “powerful e-cigarette lobby” will try to say that users should be cautious with e-cigs and use them correctly to ensure maximum safety but according to Mr. Jenkins “that’s a cop out and people should be allowed to use products as recklessly as possible and still not die by their own stupidity.”

“If I want to use my vibrator in the bath in a horribly unsafe and stupid manner then I should be able to without dying horribly,” he added. “As is my right.”

The report concluded by saying that those in possession of e-cigarettes should dispose of them safely by performing an exorcism and then burying them under the sign of Our Lord before switching to any of the much safer Philip Morris brand of regular cigarettes available on the market at a fair and reasonable price.