A bouncer of popular gay bar, G.A.Y., was this weekend not fooled by two straight men who, in a bid to gain entry into the exclusively homosexual club, held hands as they approached the doorman.
“Straight away I knew they weren’t gay,” claimed 36-year-old doorman, Sam Harris. “Gay guys typically aren’t overweight bearded guys wearing football shirts with cider stains down the front of them. Well, the ones that aren’t bears anyway. When gay guys hold hands with their partners they also tend not to awkwardly grimace as if they’re trying to unsuccessfully hold in a shit.”
Reports claim that the two straight men wanted to gain access to the bar because they heard that Roger Sanchez was playing an exclusive set there. “We’re massive Roger Sanchez fans and we really, really wanted to get in and hear his set,” explained David Lewis, one of the two men in question. “So naturally I was willing to ‘go super gay’ for a few minutes to make sure that I got in.”
Reports indicate that, rather than refuse the two blatantly straight men out of hand, Sam decided to test their ‘gayness’. “I asked them a couple of questions that I thought gay guys would know the answer to like ‘Who’s July Garland’s daughter?’ or ‘What’s Lady Gaga’s real name?’ explained Sam. “Knowing they definitely weren’t gay I was a bit disappointed when they knew both answers. But when they started celebrating getting the questions correct by fist-bumping and high-fiving in an overtly masculine, sports bar kind of way, I told them that I still didn’t believe them.”
“That was when we decided to start kissing each other,” admits Carl Jacobs, the other of the two men in question. “We fucking nailed it too. I put one hand on the back of David’s head and the other one nestled against his cheek. It was like a climactic love scene. Except with more beard rash, splutter and open eyes.”
“It was the most awkward, vaguely troubling, attempt at a kiss I’ve ever witnessed,” Sam explained. “It was one of those things that you come across every once in a while that you’re both disturbed and intrigued by. Like a horrific car accident, or Andrew Lloyd Webber’s face.”
“I let them through in the end,” Sam admits. “I just started to pity them and it also seemed like the only way I was going to get them to stop.”