An East London warehouse party, popular with the house music hipster brigade, is set to introduce controversial new measures that could see all forms of dancing banned permanently from dance music events.
Creator and organiser of the exclusive party night, John Brand, claimed that “dancing is just so reckless and common, we’re trying to cultivate a more sophisticated image for our club. One where people stand around listlessly dancing to inoffensive art-house music while drinking cinnamon infused alcoholic smoothies like anamatronic mannequins.”
“The music policy will still be ‘dance’ music,” he continued, patronizingly making quotation marks with his fingers. “Although we’re trying to rebrand it by fostering a scene around an as yet unnamed genre of frothy, background-worthy, house music. We’ve been throwing around a few names for the music that kind of encapsulate the whole ‘stand around swaying lightly and looking good’ vibe that we want to create. At this point it’s between ‘Don’t Step’ and ‘Stance Music.'”
“If you want to dance like a sweaty lunatic and have the time of your life you’re more than welcome to do that at one of the Bangface parties but not here,” claimed John. “If people want to have an experience with all different kinds of people and maybe have their preconceptions challenged by interacting with those people then go to another nightclub. Or prison, or dole queue. Just don’t come near our cosily homogeneous party of faux intellectuals.”
At the entrance to the party punters will be greeted by a sign of a human stick figure dancing with a diagonal line going through it. Underneath the ‘No Dancing’ sign are a series of rules and acceptable dance floor moves. Hands must be held to the sides at all times while dancing, with the maximum allowed angle of ascension from the elbow being sixty degrees, “but only when the DJ does it first to indicate to the audience that it’s okay to enjoy the track.” Anyone who raises both hands in the air and whistles or shouts encouragement or approval will be immediately ejected and shown to the nearest trance clubnight.
Some other measures that have been introduced include a ban on “bright or garish clothing that makes you stand out” and “non-fashionable haircuts such as unstyled, normal and long.” Tattoos are encouraged but only if made blatantly visible and spectacles are permitted but only if they’re worn ironically with the lenses removed.
“We’re hoping that the measures we introduce will completely eliminate any vestige of enjoyment from the nightclub experience,” concluded John. “People are slowly learning that nightclubs aren’t about having a good time and dancing with friends, it’s about looking pensive, being cynical and po-facedly swaying to elevator music. This time next year I hope to have completely banned smiling and laughing from the venue, dance music is too serious for any kind of giddy, comedic nonsense.”