World renowned London nightclub Fabric has today been graciously saved from closure by the council on the proviso that the club’s patrons now be considered as second class citizens.
Islington council have decreed that the famed club, which was the subject of a petition to avoid its closure that received support from Annie Mac, Stanton Warriors and Seth Troxler, introduce a raft of new security and documentation measures that the council hope “will bring these vermin into line”.
The measures mean that attendees of the club will now have to wear yellow armbands emblazoned with an acid house smiley face at all times, undergo rigorous searches by men with rubber gloves and have snarling sniffer dogs “snuffle their crotch and arse area”.
“I mean 4 people out of 6 million were killed here,” explained a council spokesperson. “That’s not a number we can trifle with. That’s roughly equal to the number of people who have been killed by falling icicles of human shit, ingrown toenail surgery and, of course, unicorn drive-bys.”
“And I don’t need to tell you how much we’re clamping down on those,” he added.
“I think those statistics really highlight the dangers of taking drugs and the council is left with no choice but to introduce draconian measures,” explained the spokesperson. “When a drug in a club is killing more people each year than random strange events and mythic creatures then you know you’ve got a problem on your hands.”
As part of its final solution for London clubbers the council have also demanded that the club be kitted out with barbed wire fencing, massive floodlights and its own state of the art minefield “so that any dirty clubber bastard found with drugs won’t be able to escape, and hopefully dies in the attempt”.
“What’s worth more to society, a filthy clubber having a good time harming nobody or a paedophile,” he asked. “I think we know the answer.”
“The statistics are clear,” he warned warningly, “Each time you take drugs you’re taking your life, which has already been in your own hands, into your own hands again, but more dangerously and with less grip.”
“Obviously clubbers must have greasy hands because they can’t seem to hold their own lives responsibly so we’ve got to do it for them,” he concluded. “It’s for their own good, we’re only saving them from themselves.”