Renowned nutritionist and shit-raker Gillian McKeith has claimed she may have unlocked one of the mysteries of modern physics when she supposedly discovered dark matter in the Guinness shits of an Irishman.
The discovery was made during the filming of Channel 4’s You Are What You Eat in an episode that featured an Irishman who lived entirely on Guinness, pub crisps and stew. The nutritionist was reportedly elbow deep in the man’s shit when she came across a substance which she could not explain. Upon closer inspection under a microscope, it became clear that the substance may have been the hypothesized dark matter.
Gillian herself was unavailable for comment, as she was elbow deep in someone else’s shit already, however the Irishman, Mr. Flaherty O’Reilly, was more than happy to comment.
“Sure I’ve been taking black shits for years. I’ve always known they were unlike other shits, I just didn’t realise they were so special. They’re the shit as the young folk would say,” he said, falling off his barstool with maniacal laughter.
According to Diageo, the owners of Guinness, the revelation is not so surprising. They claim that the drink has very unique properties, from bubbles that go both up and down the drink, and further claiming that the head of a pint of Guinness exists in a tri-state, whereby there is simultaneously gas, liquid and solid present at once. They refer to this tri-state as “Alco-mist”.
Physicists everywhere are dubious about the discovery, however none were available for comment as they had, for the most part, taken to their local taverns to down some Guinness, “as part of the research, you understand”.
