God has taken a break from his son’s birthday party preparation to confirm that he did give bouncers the right to ruin your night.
The news comes as little surprise to the world’s security staff, who had an instinctual feeling that it was the case, but has been met with a feeling of trepidation by pub and nightclub patrons all over the globe.
“Of course I’ve given bouncers the right to ruin your night,” said God earlier today. “If it happens, then it was my plan all along, I thought you dopes would have picked up on that by now. Everything that ever has or ever will happen is down to me, the sooner you saps stop questioning my judgment and just get on with shit the sooner we can all live together in peace and harmony. Now if you’ll excuse me, this is a very busy time of year for me, I’ve eight hundred million guests coming here on Sunday week and I haven’t even been to Iceland to get the sausage rolls yet.”
Wunderground spoke to Alan “Big Al” McKenzie, a doorman at London’s XOYO nightclub, to get his take on the matter, “It’s always been obvious to me that I’ve been working under some sort of divine powers,” claimed Big Al. “I used to just think it was because I was bigger than people and know Krav Maga but as I’ve gotten older and less fond of punching people in the throat it’s become apparent that I’m doing God’s work. I’m basically like a six foot five inches tall, eighteen stone priest.”
“God is definitely communicating with me when I’m in work,” claimed Big Al. “If someone is being aggressive, heavily under the influence of drugs or alcohol, looking smug or has a really fit bird God tells me to refuse them entry and ruin their night and I oblige. The best thing about it is, because I’m doing God’s work, it makes me feel really great, like the big man I am, and I get an endorphin rush. God really is fantastic.”
James McGrath, who visits nightclubs regularly, had a differing opinion, “I know God works in mysterious ways but this is a bit of a shocker. Like, does God think I shouldn’t be allowed into a club because I’m wearing a blue t-shirt or that it’s alright to sucker punch me because I’ve had a couple of drinks and found something a little bit funny? If that’s what he thinks, he must be a bit of a cunt.”
In related news, Buddha has slammed dress codes and strict door policies, claiming that people should convert to Buddism if they want to enjoy a night out free of judgement.