Leading scientists have today confirmed that good cocaine only exists in your imagination.
According to researchers, good cocaine has never really existed and the effects people thought were caused by the drug were, in fact, a result of the mixing agents used by unscrupulous drug dealers.
“For the last few years we’ve been trying to figure out whether or not good cocaine actually exists, and now we’re sure, it doesn’t,” confirmed Dr. Anthony Montana, of the Miami Institute of Narcotics. “Most of what people think is actually good cocaine, is usually just some crap that’s been mixed with some sort of amphetamine.”
“People always say ‘the coke around today just isn’t what it used to be’ but they’re wrong, it’s pretty much exactly the same,” continued Montana. “The truth is, good cocaine has never actually existed. It’s all just a fabricated idea, dreamt up by a Colombian cartel to make people spend money, a lot like health insurance or football teams.”
“The effect that you feel when you take what you think is good cocaine is actually just the effects of the mixing agents. Although, that’s not really my area of expertise. Say hello to my little friend, Dr. Sousa, who’ll explain more,” he said while turning to a fellow doctor of below average height.
“Thank you Dr. Montana,” said Sousa in a voice fitting of Alvin or any of The Chipmunks. “Most of the effects you feel when taking cocaine are caused by a number of outside sources. The numbness you feel is most likely the result of numbing agent like novocain, while any high you feel is undoubtedly the result of a cheap amphetamine. There’s probably no cocaine in there at all, chances are the bulk of your powder is probably flour.”
In related news, authorities in Britain have downgraded soap bar hash from a class B drug to a type of rubber, as the rubber content far exceeds the THC content, which is in fact almost undetectable.
